Picture the scene. A tranquil Ibizan beach, sunbeds close to the waters edge, the clear Mediterranean blue sea gently lapping at the shore. It's peaceful now, the temporary excitement caused by my sister claiming to have been bitten by a six inch fish, which she also claimed had been chasing her from the moment she entered the water, has died down. No one else was bitten or pursued by Nemo but she had bite marks, I'll give her that. Two tiny red dots to be precise. A tourniquet or emergency assistance wasn't necessary.
Apart from the waiters in the beach bar and a couple of young mothers, the average age is probably 60, mostly couples apart from a few toddlers frolicking naked with innocent abandon. The stage is the water and anyone venturing in, is scrutinised by the sunbed loungers in the cheap seats but as most look like they've had their money's worth from the all inclusive, everyone feels relatively comfortable in their bodies, most are past caring.
Then enter stage right. Two perfectly formed twenty somethings. Blonde, toned and probably more in love with themselves than each other, treating us to a display of intertwined affection that was definitely designed to say look at us you saddos, we are young and beautiful, with tight glutes and taut skin, watch us and weep, your time has passed. It is we who are gorgeous now, we who are worthy of your adoration, mwah ha ha ha ha.
But then enter stage left. Two rotund probably sixty, something Glaswegians, high on too much sun, Spanish lager and overly tight speedos.
"Hey yous two" they bawled affectionately to the golden deities, who haven't risked getting their hair wet, "this is you, look, ha ha ha, I love you Derek, kiss me, kiss me" and as they proceeded to lock themselves into a very unattractive embrace and mock snogging to the delighted cackling from their wives, the relieved sun loungers giggled quietly and guiltily in the stands.
Golden couple, exit stage left. Golden couple exit stage door. Golden couple exit the beach. A sense of humour obviously wasn't one of their qualities.
You couldn't write it.